Big Brother 13 Premiere

The CBS summer hit Big Brother show is back, and as Julie Chen promised the twists are better than ever! When the eight new house guests entered the house they had no idea that another eight previous players would be joining them.  Porsche & Dominic, clearly already playing the game upon entering,  counted the 12 dining place settings and figured there would be more coming. Adam,  joined by the others in the Living Room, opened the champagne and all was cozy for the first toast. That is…until interrupted by Julie announcing that they were to pick partners to play the game with. They were quickly paired. Keith picked Porsche, Shelly and Cassi agreed to play together as did Adam and Dominic which left a disappointed Kalia to pair with overly-excited Lawon.

The Houseguests’s were again startled by Julie letting them know another twist was to be revealed. It was, the door bell rang three times, bringing a new returning Duo from seasons past. First Brendon and Rachel, followed by Jeff and Jordan who got a noticeably very warm welcome, then Dick and Daniele. Ushered outside to play the HOH Slippery Hot dog competition of last year, this time with bananas, the eight new house guests were eliminated shockingly fast. At the end, Rachel remained clinging tightly to the top of her swinging perch while Dick & Dani hung from theirs. Dick asked for and got assurances from Rachel that the duo would not be a target for eviction and gave Rachel won the fist HOH.

At the shows closing Julie left the house guests with yet another twist, the Big Brother Golden Key; Eviction nominees would be a duo; Since the duos will be fighting against each other to stay, the one who wins the POV and/or stays will be safe through for the first four evictions and not have to compete. If your partner gets booted, you get a fast-forward to the final ten. CBS has delivered the goods, the first show was held our attention from start to finish.

Porsche

Calling herself a sexy, clever bitch and saying  that she can convince people of whatever she wants is quite the calling card. Lucky for Porsche she’s been hooking up with Josh Hartnett and has the pics to prove it. Being a VIP waitress in Miami has some serious benefits mmhmm. Yes, Porsche is all that and she knows how to handle stupid girls and those bulky dumb guys get wrapped around her finger fast. We’ll be watching to see what she does when she thinks the lights are out, that’s for sure.

Shelly

Oh Shelly, saying you’re going on Big Brother  to show your eight year-old about seizing opportunities is all good, I guess. But don’t play the house mom, we don’t want BB12 Kathy version 2.0. You’re a corporate executive, or so you say, better be ready to prove it when the unexpected hits the fan.

Lawon

LaYawn, I mean Lawon, thinks he’s going to be the bad guy known for his bubbly personality & charisma. Confused much? This self described “handsome-fied handsome-sexy multi-vitamin of sunshine” thinks he’s blazing new ground with his WeHo-inspired clothing and his nightly green facial masks. Only heard of him an hour ago and I’m already so over it.

Keith

Is that Keith or his twin Kenny? Sux to be the angry one at home, not chosen, wondering what he has that you don’t. Can we talk about the whole “Keith’s Angels” thing? He watched every season so he should know that winning the first HoH is never a good idea; likewise starting an alliance with three random girls.  Does he truly think he’ll be able to uphold his principles & morals as an ordained deacon, while hooking up with hot girls on national TV. For reals? Sounds shady to me.

Kalia

Kalia has only eaten one piece of bacon in her whole life. Really? Cause pigs are cute? Which part? why can’t you admit you ate more than one piece of damn bacon. It’s bacon alright? Not the whole pig. Kalia’s boobs are real and all pretty girls pass gas. She’s so weird it could be fun to watch her drive everyone else crazy. Or not. But damn, only one piece?

Dominic

Okay total cutie. He had me at “don’t consider myself attractive” but then he went on: can’t stand cackley voices like Rachel’s and can’t stand Jessie. Alright already. Could he really be a Bio Chem major who’s never watched BB and still lives with mom and dad at the age of 25? He thinks he’s going to lay low the first few weeks, let someone else be the target, then he’s going to fight for it. Come on. This isn’t a scripted show is it? Oh wait…

Cassi

Well hello there li’l darlin’ we’d just love to chill with ya’ll.  As long as there are men with some beers sittin’ outside Cassi should be right at home.  We aren’t judging on her cause she’s a model, we’re real sensitive to that. Do we want to spend the summer listening to BS about Cassi’s JC Penney modeling career and watching her flip her hair? Sure thing, let’s bust out some beers!

Adam

Who is this guy kidding? I saw his interview -News Flash- he DOES look 39! Calling yourself a Heavy Metal Teddy Bear is like saying you’re old and have a massive beer gut. Jus’ sayin’. Dude thinks he’s an Evel Chicken? I think we’ll see he’s scared chicken, or maybe just a little squirrelly. Did you see the beard? And his new girlfriend? Let’s just say she’ll probably enjoy her summer a whole lot more than he will.

Dreaming of BB 13

As we await the coming of brand new fabulous and sparkly house-guests, I’m pondering the not-so-distant annals of Big Brother USA.  Most former house-guests have congealed like gobs of slop into one big BB haze but a few pop out, causing much laughter, tears and gas.

My favorite house-guests started off as underdogs, only to finish in a blaze of glory. Well, yeah, they didn’t actually win most of the time, but I really, really liked them. Remember Marvin, the chef with a mouth full of precious, and owner of odorous feet that could kill a small country? He stood up to the dreaded twins Natalie and Adria in Season 5 with an epic, verbal shootout, because if he was going to get evicted, might as well make everyone else miserable.

From the same season— Nakomis. The second she stepped into the house, she was on the block. But this blue-haired freak surfaced, creating a standard of wicked gameplay which still exists today. However, it was only clever enough to get her to the final four.

Kaysar! ‘Cause he was hot, and decent-minded, and hot, and sweet. And hot. Why, oh why did you take your finger off that button?!! Janelle. Yeah. She pretty much ruled BB and I still miss her.  Jordan’s Jeff. Quotable at a rate of five lines per minute. This guy had charm and humor, and should have his own non-internet TV show. Just sayin’.

If I was a casting agent I’d remember that most of the viewers favorite HG’s were likable in a sense that they were real, not just eye candy. Yes I know you gotta have the hotties, but let’s face it Chicken George was never a hottie. I rooted for him  because he was real.

Were I put in charge to peruse a crowd of hopefuls, all clutching glossy 8×10’s, I’d put together a cast of witty, sly, strange, real people. Grocery store clerks, construction workers, accountants, librarians, ex-priests, grave diggers, and then, yes, hotties. Maybe even a tattooed ballet dancer.

Happy BB13 everyone!