Kalia

Kalia has only eaten one piece of bacon in her whole life. Really? Cause pigs are cute? Which part? why can’t you admit you ate more than one piece of damn bacon. It’s bacon alright? Not the whole pig. Kalia’s boobs are real and all pretty girls pass gas. She’s so weird it could be fun to watch her drive everyone else crazy. Or not. But damn, only one piece?

Dominic

Okay total cutie. He had me at “don’t consider myself attractive” but then he went on: can’t stand cackley voices like Rachel’s and can’t stand Jessie. Alright already. Could he really be a Bio Chem major who’s never watched BB and still lives with mom and dad at the age of 25? He thinks he’s going to lay low the first few weeks, let someone else be the target, then he’s going to fight for it. Come on. This isn’t a scripted show is it? Oh wait…

Cassi

Well hello there li’l darlin’ we’d just love to chill with ya’ll.  As long as there are men with some beers sittin’ outside Cassi should be right at home.  We aren’t judging on her cause she’s a model, we’re real sensitive to that. Do we want to spend the summer listening to BS about Cassi’s JC Penney modeling career and watching her flip her hair? Sure thing, let’s bust out some beers!

Adam

Who is this guy kidding? I saw his interview -News Flash- he DOES look 39! Calling yourself a Heavy Metal Teddy Bear is like saying you’re old and have a massive beer gut. Jus’ sayin’. Dude thinks he’s an Evel Chicken? I think we’ll see he’s scared chicken, or maybe just a little squirrelly. Did you see the beard? And his new girlfriend? Let’s just say she’ll probably enjoy her summer a whole lot more than he will.

A Stand-Up Moment

It’s season five, and the Four Horsemen have been terrorizing the house. Little Diane Henry has put her foot in her mouth one too many times making comments about sides, and which folks were on them. Yeah, she admitted she had a group, not a smart thing to do. But Diane was insanely honest like that. As you can guess the Four Horsemen went on the defense, hell bent on convincing the house that Diane should be the next person up for eviction. The thing about Diane was she had a good heart, perhaps at a fault. She was a young girl, falling fast in love with the hottie Drew. I think in her mind she thought time spent in the Big Brother house was a ticket out of a former life. She wanted love, she wanted a chance at fame, she wanted money. Like Janelle, I felt Diane was one of those contestants who made her way through the game by just being herself. I liked Diane’s spunk, I really did.

So here she is at her lowest point. She’d been alienated, called trailer trash and she knows she is next on the block. There’s a lot at stake for her. And here comes a competition where all she has to do is stand with her finger pressed to a button. I remember Diane said something like, “I’m a waitress. I can stand here all night.” And she did. Jase went insane. He tried everything to mess with her mind, but she held tight, kept that finger poised. Determination, that’s what Diane was made of. Good old stubborn, kick ass determination. Well, after watching Jase melt like a bad robot in a rainstorm, Diana claimed the HOH throne. The house changed completely after that. No more bad guy, just good old, healthy competition. It was something else. Then came the pinky-swear, and history was made. Diane did not win season five, but she burned an image in my mind that will never be forgotten. I was sad to see her do so poorly in the all star season.

So there you have it, my favorite moment in Big Brother history. I hope there will be multiple moments like this one in the new coming BB13 season. I know it’s possible.

Inside the BB13 House

Yahoo got exclusive rights to the first eleven Big Brother 13 House pics and released them early this morning. At first glance they’ve taking a page from season 11, it’s another beach set. Could be Venice Beach, could be Paradise Pier at Disney’s California Adventure, it’s all done in bricks and bright cotton-candy colors.

The lounge off the kitchen where HG’s usually napped or talked strategy is now a plush royal purple along with black and white tile and outfitted with skeleton pictures, a fortune teller and a superstitious vibe perfect for the thirteenth season. The HOH bedroom was given a patio garden feel, a huge round Hefner style bed, orange orchids and white brick. Owls are everywhere, even in the aquarium.

With the CBS hype promoting “It’s going to be a Party” it’s clear they’re promising beach bodies, oiled muscles and carnival crazies. Hopefully we’ll get enough beach eye-candy to make late night interesting and a few red-neck crazies on vacation to stir it up. I can’t wait!

The Essential BB Ingredient

Past seasons of Big Brother introduced us to such a wide range of personalities, from Dr. Will, who took his money and ran with it to numerous other ‘reality’ television shows, to Chicken George and Evel Dick. Before the show starts the possibilities seem endless, but one essential for any Big Brother contestant is a good sense of humor.

Whether it’s a confrontation, which we all know is one of the best parts of BB, or a breakdown in the Diary Room, we see players constantly dealing with unnatural situations. Many people come into the game with a carefully thought through strategy and are so sure that they have the key to winning Big Brother, but those plans usually go out the window by the end of the first week. Sometimes the strategies are so wild or so well planned that they actually work, but more often they blow up in the evil genius’s face.

The majority of the house-guests I’ve grown to love have their own unique view on life, both in and out of the game. Not all are open about what they think with their opponents, but they share honest reactions to what is going on around them. One ride on a condiment-soaked, over-sized wiener should be enough to make even the most stern crack a smile. And if you can’t laugh you better be ready to cry. That makes good TV too, so a fun house-guest lets the tears flow whenever they feel the need. But in a game where contests and challenges start at the utterly ridiculous and go downhill from there, the ability to laugh at yourself is the only way to play.

AlliG Goes For Bigus Dickus

Big Dick Johnson Struts His Stuff
Big Dick Johnson Struts His Stuff

Allison Grodner has hired Chris DeJoseph, a former wrestler, as a Big Brother writer for this summer’s BB 13. She seems to have a penchant for wrestlers, as shown by the repeated casting of Jessie Godderz on seasons 10, 11 & 12. Mr. PECtacular’s fan ratings were dismal, that’s for sure, which makes it hard to think of any other reason for his being cast. He’s rumored to be in this season’s show as well, his friends have pointed to a lack of Facebook and email activity of late.

It seems AlliG is plumbing the depths of her desires to be surrounded by muscle-bound meatheads. Since being ‘let go’ from WWE SmackDown last November Chris DeJoesph has been trying to find a new job. We can well imagine what the interview process was like:

What can you tell me about yourself that I might not already know?   Why do they call you Big Dick Johnson?

Perhaps all he needed to do was say the word “wrestle” and AlliG, beyond all reason, added him to the show. Then again, he might have demonstrated some of the things which made him uniquely qualified for the role of Bigus Dickus.

Whilst looking forward to another season of Big Brother, regardless of Ms. Grodners’ continued uninspired attempts to send the franchise into oblivion, let’s not throw the fishies out with the bath water. Maybe Bigus Dickus is just what this show needs to sell more late night Sho2 ad time.

Dreaming of BB 13

As we await the coming of brand new fabulous and sparkly house-guests, I’m pondering the not-so-distant annals of Big Brother USA.  Most former house-guests have congealed like gobs of slop into one big BB haze but a few pop out, causing much laughter, tears and gas.

My favorite house-guests started off as underdogs, only to finish in a blaze of glory. Well, yeah, they didn’t actually win most of the time, but I really, really liked them. Remember Marvin, the chef with a mouth full of precious, and owner of odorous feet that could kill a small country? He stood up to the dreaded twins Natalie and Adria in Season 5 with an epic, verbal shootout, because if he was going to get evicted, might as well make everyone else miserable.

From the same season— Nakomis. The second she stepped into the house, she was on the block. But this blue-haired freak surfaced, creating a standard of wicked gameplay which still exists today. However, it was only clever enough to get her to the final four.

Kaysar! ‘Cause he was hot, and decent-minded, and hot, and sweet. And hot. Why, oh why did you take your finger off that button?!! Janelle. Yeah. She pretty much ruled BB and I still miss her.  Jordan’s Jeff. Quotable at a rate of five lines per minute. This guy had charm and humor, and should have his own non-internet TV show. Just sayin’.

If I was a casting agent I’d remember that most of the viewers favorite HG’s were likable in a sense that they were real, not just eye candy. Yes I know you gotta have the hotties, but let’s face it Chicken George was never a hottie. I rooted for him  because he was real.

Were I put in charge to peruse a crowd of hopefuls, all clutching glossy 8×10’s, I’d put together a cast of witty, sly, strange, real people. Grocery store clerks, construction workers, accountants, librarians, ex-priests, grave diggers, and then, yes, hotties. Maybe even a tattooed ballet dancer.

Happy BB13 everyone!

BB13 Public Chat

Yes Virginians, there will a Public Chat board for BB 13.  Last year the long-time BB Chatter supporters wanted a chance to hang together and relax.  This year we’ll be back for the usual moderated chat on a classic scrolling board.

You can join us on the private BB Chatter VIP Board any time, click on Donations for details. Thanks!