The last twelve hours have had some of the strangest twists & turns ever to occur on any of the thirteen Big Brother seasons. Shelly got the ball rolling with a masterful mental control move on Kalia. It worked far more powerfully than Shelly might have hoped, because at the end of the night Kalia had screwed herself and Dani into the ground, to the point of oblivion.
Worse, Lawon volunteered to make a suicide move without blinking, in fact he’s happy about it. Darwin’s theory depends on people as foolish as Lawon removing themselves from the gene pool, and he epitomizes the process. The pertinent Tweets are below, mostly in sequence, as the deal went down. All by @bbchatter unless otherwise noted.
7 PM Sunday
Kalia and Shelly in the hammock. Shelly tells Kalia that she wants Rachel gone, she hates her and she also doesn’t trust Porsche. Kali hallucinates about the Chima Express Houseguest Return, even though Shelly explains it well: Kalia’s HoH means nothing and was for naught.
8 PM Sunday
Shelly has yet another idea about how to bamboozle and confoozle her royal highness, Queen Kalia of HoHo Land, with game hallucinations. Shelly gives Kalia the very best short-term move for herself, one week safety, but sells it as as a long-term self esteem boost. Kalia believes she should nominate Porsche, to both save herself and make a game move that demonstrates her independence. Kali the Destroyer believes she should dismantle the last girders of the noob alliance.
9 PM Sunday
Kalia explains her new insight to Daniele: “It Keeps Us Safe.” #BitchPLEASE #TeamFvkMeNow #TeamNoLube. Dani may not be able to unscramble Kalia’s brain, but she’s trying hard. After a few frustrating exchanges, Dani blurts out “THE GAME DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY” and gets Kalia’s attention. But Kali’s mouth is still open and devouring Dani’s game.
Kalia is intent on making a big move in the game, but if she persists & boots Porsche, she’ll awaken with one move left: in the outhouse. Dani is almost driven to tears because Shelly has whamboozled Kalia’s mind so well that Dani is trapped, facing the specter of an enraged Rachel still in the house. Dani gets more upset and frustrated by the second. If looks could kill Kalia would be down eight lives already.
10 PM Sunday
Dani takes another tack, questioning the source of all this, Shelly. But she presses too quickly for control and loses Kalia. Dani points out that Kalia made a deal for herself and not for Dani, “I’m just saying,” which is a polite way of saying #BitchPLEASE! Kali’s response to Dani sounds a lot like “I need a deal more than you do.” Dani is so frustrated she’s speechless, and so angry she stomps out.
Shelly runs up to the HoH room, to strengthen her control of Kalia. Kalia twists in the wind, with open mouth, saying little, as Shelly speaks. Kali’s gaping maw throws a laugh at Dani, while speaking to Shelly about a safety net. Queen Kalia’s safety net.
@prettyplainjo: Kalia is so weak minded. I can’t believe how easily Shelly is driving this wedge between Kalia and Dani.
Shelly says Adam will vote however Shelly directs. Kalia freezes, speechless. Kalia is ~rreeaallyy aggravated~ by Adam and wants him out. Shelly assures Kalia that she will help smack down Adam, in a week or two. That will only happen after Shelly is done using him on Big Brother.
Jeff appears in the HoH room, camera-ready with freshly brushed teeth. Kali wants to deal, or at least probe. Will Jeff remember the script Shelly gave him? Kali has a thought, but “certain people” [Dani] aren’t going to like it. HoHo too bad for her. Jeff listens, ready to speak his lines. Jeff tells Kali that if she nominates Porsche they’ll give her absolution, for one week. Kalia, high on Shelly’s ego crack, wishes to be her own person. Jeff says he’d never put up a strong player this week, he said it before and still owns it.
Jeff sits. Kali can’t stand the silence. She speaks, throwing Lawn under the mower. “He’s ok with being a pawn.” Jeff seems dumbstruck. Jeff says “oh my goodness” and “where did that come from” as he wanders off downstairs.
Kalia is alone, looking into the mirrors, speaking aloud. Kalia begins to recite the Kali Sutra “Porsche and Rachel go on the block…”, while staring into oblivion. Kalia says aloud “I need to come to the Diary Room” but they make no moves to undo Shelly’s handiwork. True art should be preserved.
11 PM Sunday
Spiders on the walls! Ants crawl up your legs! Shades of Edgar Allan Poe as Death lurks behind the Tarot Room door. Shelly to Jeff, after setting Kalia & Dani against each other “Ah, Jeff I love this game. I’m not stopping ’til Porsche goes home.” Kalia is only thinking of her own safety now: screw Dani, screw Lawon, screw Porsche with her fine back porch. Out back in the hammock, with Kalia sitting at her feet, Shelly’s control mantra is mastery “I admire you most for standing on your own two feet” directly tied to the unspoken “doing what I tell you to do.”
Dani moves on Rachel in the kitchen, seething. Tight grip on a mug. Rachel softens, “I have no one to talk to now.” Dani goes up to the HoH room and says she’s going to vomit, while putting on make up. Kalia is desperate to reassure her, but Dani is furious. Dani repeats that two of “their” players go down in this deal and insists “I’m always right about BB decisions” but Queen Kalia has her own ideas about strategy. Shelly gave them to her gratis.
Meanwhile, Jordan consoles Rachel by the hammock out back. She tells Rachel a return will happen and that Dani and Kalia should know better. Julie warned them for a reason.
12 AM Monday
Dani doesn’t believe Rachel will return with a vengeance if evicted. Kalia doesn’t buy that at all. Kali opens her mouth to speak, and Shelly comes out. Dani is stifled.
Porsche hasn’t a clue, so far. Will she get one? Or will she get got tomorrow? Earth to Jellyfish: is the back of your neck itching? Jordan talks about ladies in Miami walking around without a top, you know, with their– BOOBS hanging out, saying “I felt so conservative.”
Shelly takes over Dani’s game by remote control, when Dani finally tells Kalia that as long as Rachel’s going home, Porsche can go up.
@angelstar2: MY GOODNESS!!! Ok everyone thinks Kalia is Dani’s puppet but today she is STRAIGHT Shelly’s puppet!
1 AM Monday
Back to the HoH room, where Kalia tells Porsche she doesn’t know what to do. Porch doesn’t even realize she’s at risk. Kalia beats around the bush and never does tell her she might go up for eviction. Dani mostly listens.
2 AM Monday
Lawon in the HoH room now, with Kalia, Dani and Porsche. Kalia and Dani pump Lawon up about how great it is that he’s volunteering for nomination. They promise he’ll come right back and he promises not to get mad about it. Lawon even promises to act upset about his eviction, but then come back all “so what mf’ers I’m back.” Kalia is so shocked that she starts to explain the risk, but Lawon doesn’t listen very well. He’s a bit in shock, but still hasn’t said no. Porsche is uncomfortable and doesn’t say much at all.
VENI VIDI CAELVM PENIS MAGNVM FRATER XIII
Translation: I Came I Saw Sky Penis Big Brother 13
3 AM Monday
The evening is winding down. Lawon is a dip. As in “Dip my head in shit and I’ll swear it don’t stink.” Dani’s toying with him. Dani doesn’t know whether she’s lying about the twist or not and she really doesn’t care which it is. If Lawn is cool, Dani will mow him down and ride it out for one more week.
@ImRico: Y’all mofo’s thought Dani really cared of Dom too! Look what she is doing to Lawon! This shit is too funny!
@BBGossipGirl: Unbelievable! Lawon is super excited. He thinks he has created a genius master plan, “So you think I don’t play the game, suckers!”
@BBChatter: You can’t make this shit up. Seriously. BB5 Cowboy wasn’t this big a fool. Lawon takes the grand prize in the devolution sweepstakes
@RaganFox Parody: Shelly could sell ice to an eskimo, tears to an infant, a fur coat to a grizzly bear, TV time to Oprah, and ugly pills to Ragan Fox.
Out on the back porch, Shelly’s a bit surprised to see how confoozled Queen Kalia of HoHo Land is now. She’s perfectly fine with giving Lawon the boot on Thursday. Jeff & Adam laugh. Nobody wants to say a word to Rachel about the plans because she’s so messed up in the head. Jordan will have to hand-hold her all week to keep her from going into rages and fits.
The Chima Express, aka Houseguest Return, has left the station. Lawon will be flattened, unless there’s a radical shock the next eight hours. That seems very unlikely.